


Ramblings of a trauma survivor - Vent Journal

by gutturalAnomaly



Category: Unspecified Fandom
Genre: Gayness, Gen, Pedophiles get the fuck out of my story, occasional positivity, tags attract pedos sorry, this is triggering as fuck be careful, vent journal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:55:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21648655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gutturalAnomaly/pseuds/gutturalAnomaly
Summary: Just a vent journal I guess, posting this helps me get my story out there for those who need it.Don’t comment utter bullshit about how I shouldn’t post this, I’m doing this for my own mental health and for those who may actually be interested in how fucked life is, I don’t need your negativity.If you’re looking for sex details get the fuck out pedophiles.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. 12.2.19

**12.2.19**

Today is like any other day, normal and tiring. I won’t bore you with what happened today though, this journal is about venting. It’s not about my daily life but I will provide some background information. 

I live in foster care, specifically a group home. This means I live with other teens who have been through similar struggles but vary in personality.

I am a **minor.**

I’m American so this is all I know.

I’m of course, a trauma survivor, and I’m here to vent. Tell my story ya know?

**This book is going to be filled with graphic shit if you haven’t checked the tags already. This is not for the lighthearted or care free I’m afraid, this is about the harsh reality of life and the cruelty of others. I will get to my backstory in a later chapter, when I have the time.**

Life is just filled with shit man,,, it’s hard to define all of the emotions and stuff I’m going through. I’ve been thinking an awful lot about my past trauma and how I need to face it with my brother,, but he refuses to talk about it, what the hell? Hiding from your problems and shrugging it off like nothing happened will not fix shit I hope you know. You’re depressed, yeah, but so am I. I’m so fucked because you ruined my life and your own, why have I even forgiven you?

I tell myself I shouldn’t forgive him because of what he did, I can still fucking feel his hands on me sometimes and it keeps me awake at night,, I have _nightmares_ because of this kid. Three years I suffered at his hand and all we can manage is casual conversation with unresolved tension on my side. Why do you ignore it? I want to know why you really did what you did. Don’t hide your pain and suffering from me because I know there’s more to what happened than what I experienced and what you’re letting on. I grow weary of constantly thinking about it, it won’t change a thing. I wonder if you ever really loved me lmao.

A brother shouldn’t do that to his sibling, what sort of fucking crack are you smoking? Cause I don’t ever wanna try that shit a day of my life. 

I often lay in my room staring at the ceiling and the walls, just wondering what to do with my life. Outside of social media it’s not exactly fun or satisfying. I have no family, no home, I can’t hang out with friends, I can’t see my boyfriend, it’s just boring and unfulfilling. Life just decided to say fuck you and hand me the fuckin suffer card. I only manage to cope with this emptiness in my chest by distracting myself from my suffering.

my therapist says I need to stop ignoring myself,, she’s not wrong. I can barely describe myself in positive context and I have a love hate relationship with myself. It’s not exactly my fault but in a way it is, I let what she said get to me. Even if I was a kid it wasn’t fair of me to fuck myself over like that,, damn I was a fucking idiot. I often go through dirk shifts where I have intense hours of self hate that I often just deal with. Music doesn’t make it any better and the only way I cope is by talking to my friends and my boyfriend about what’s going on.

i feel like a burden because of my constant sadness and emotion. I vent too much and I’m always depressed, they shouldn’t have to deal with that man... it’s not fair for them to share my pain. I get that they’re my friends and they love me but I’d rather not have them worry about me because I’ve dealt with this alone and I can still do it alone, regardless of my desperation for affection and bonds. 

I dont one have any more time for this period so I’m cutting it off here,, gonna update later. Not sure when. 


	2. 12.3.19

**12.3.19**

**Happy birthday, Dave and Dirk strider!**

Ironically I think about my brother lmao ha ha,,, and Brian. Now that I look back what happened between us does seem like my fault in a huge way.

i never really liked him from the start, old dude gave me some creepy vibes. He was an older black man, a stoner too. Idk he seemed untrustworthy and his eyes were always bloodshot. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the shit he said or how it started. Today I’ll briefly go over what happened. 

He molested me if you couldn’t figure it out by what I’ve said. We were stoned out of our minds one day and he uh,, said that I turned him on. Scared the shit out of me but sickly aroused me. Maybe it was just because he was willing to offer me the attention I so desperately desired, and I didn’t care who gave it to me. I asked him what specifically turned him on and he said, _my innocence._

Next thing I knew I was naked on the couch with my legs spread and him eating me out,,, not a good memory.

Nothing anyone says can convince me it’s not my fault. After what happened we went two days without anything said between us, just intense sexual tension. When my aunt was off at work I confronted him about it and he said he knew I wasn’t going to let it go,, how could I man? You, an adult man, touched me. 

He asked me if I wanted more and my fucking whore mouth said yes, despite my fear. I knew it was wrong but I was selfish as fuck lmfao. From then on he said he was going to teach me the sexual world, we ended up only having about three “lessons” before he told my aunt and lied about what happened.

i would love to forget if it were possible. I would love it if i forgot everything. I don’t want to be this way, lusting after grown men and being desperate for any physical and sexual attention. Dude, I am fucked up in the head. Just because someone is older than me I’m automatically attracted to them, why the fuck am I so disgusting?

im also attracted to incest lmfao, how sick is that? im a goddamn abomination for liking that fucking sinful shit. i've been so ashamed for so long because of that and never really told anyone about my fondness for it. i feel things for my brother that i shouldn't and it's wrong. so fucking wrong to feel that way. i'm told it's normal since i grew up experiencing that but it doesn't shake the feeling that i am revolting. 

why does anyone love such a disgraceful piece of shit like me? how did i manage to get a boyfriend? how did i manage to get friends that accept me? how did i manage to even open up about this in the first place. it's all so confusing and my feelings are a mess. i just want everything to stop ya know? im not suicidal anymore thank god but it doesn't mean i don't or haven't thought about self harm.

when it gets bad i scratch vigorously at my arms, making red lines. i sometimes draw lines on my arm with a pen. last time i hurt myself i used a staple of all things and it felt so,,, good???? i haven't felt such a euphoria like that since i got with my boyfriend. all of my problems melted away as the blood dripped down my arm,, such an addictive feeling. nothing mattered anymore. i haven't thought about it too much recently so i suppose that's good.

Ive had a rough fucking life, this is only one section if it. There’s more to what happened and I’ll describe it in detail later, when I have more time. 

I got pissed at being called a kid yesterday, maybe it’s because of what happened with Brian or the fact that being a child means I can’t do anything. I can’t control what happens to me. My life could be destroyed and I don’t have the power to stop it.

Thats is all I have for today.


	3. 12.4.19

**12.4.19**

**Happy birthday Rose and Roxy Lalonde!**

Now that that's out of the way, it's as always on this blog, vent time. Today i just feel like talking about what happened with Brian in detail, which before has only been disclosed with one individual. Too bad he's now known as my bitchy ex that still attempts a bond of friendship. What happened with Brian was very traumatizing in my case but I remember mostly every detail. I hate to talk about it but my friends assure me that this is a way to face my trauma and properly cope. So here goes nothing.

This is what happened between us, in full excruciating detail. 

After the incident which involved him consuming the bodily fluids from my genitals, yes, I mentioned that nothing happened between us for two days. I tried to speak with him about it but he insisted on waiting for my aunt to go to work the next day so I waited. When she was gone we sat out on the porch, nothing but pure tension sitting in the air. i didn't know what to say and he didn't bring it up so I of course had to. 

i asked him what were we going to do about it and he didn't really say anything to that, he just looked at me. God, I hate that look. I walked inside and soon after he did too. I asked him again what were we going to do and he said, what do you want to do? As previously said he told me he knew I wouldn't let that endeavor go. Don't see how I would, sexual encounters have really fucked over my life. i don't remember exactly what was said but he offered to teach me the world of sexual desire. now that was a rather fucked thing to ask a 14 year old you knew had been raped before. 

i was afraid. So fucking terrified. I didn't know what to do with how aroused the situation made me, I feel sick just thinking about it now. I told him yes, and I hate myself dearly for it. He told me they would be divided into lessons and the first lesson was touch, so I could get used to him. It began with him just feeling my body, playing with my chest and squeezing my inner thigh. He even fingered me at some point. I can't pinpoint how long it lasted but he left to go into the bathroom to jack off and curiosity peaked at the back of my mind since I've never seen a matured dick personally. 

he came behind me and just breathed onto my neck, before continuing to jack off in the bathroom. I remember telling my friends about what had happened and how excited I was about it. I didn't mention who it was, I only said what was happening. The next day I asked him to teach me how to please somebody and well,, the only way to do that is to suck his dick. so that's what i did lmao. It felt weird but i slowly warmed up to it, he even told me i could be a pro. ha ha,,

i remember him trying to make me deepthroat his dick and i just spit out drool onto my sweatpants. i was so pissed. the next day i wanted to know what cum tasted like so i sucked him off till he came in my mouth and oh my fucking gOD that shit was so salty and just overall nasty but i swallowed for the time being. he then ate me out again and fingered me,, i asked him to fuck me. begged would be a more accurate term for it. he was going to,, he really was. he couldn't find a condom so he didn't. 

i am so fucking thankful he didn't. later i made myself throw up in the bathroom to get rid of it. the next day,, or night rather. i was asleep on the couch. i was awoken by my aunt screaming at me about something and brian holding her back. she managed to get her hands on me and threw me to the floor, saying i was a bitch that deserved everything that came to me. that same night i got my razor and sliced my arm. it was more of a blackout but it relieved so much of my pain. don't know how i managed to sleep that night. the cuts were scabbed over the next morning and could clearly be seen, all my aunt did was help me clean them and wrap them up. she didn't even speak to me.

my cousin came over the next day and saw the cuts on my arm. i told her it wasn't important and eventually she pressured me into telling her. immediately she called her friend and got me out of there, taking me to her house. the rest of it is more of a blur but i remember my cousin telling me that brian lied to her about what happened. i told my aunt what had really happened and not even two weeks after i was sent to a mental hospital. i never went back to my aunt. i went to the group home i'm currently residing at now instead. 

I wish i could take it all back. i fucked up so much. So many people keep telling me it's my fault and yeah, i said yes so no one can convince me otherwise. I haven't discussed this with my therapist so i'm most likely going to show her this blog. 

I don't know if I'll keep this up. it's hard to even reread what i just wrote. spilling my heart out to the internet isn't exactly safe even if i'm currently anonymous. i tell my friends about this and send them each chapter i write so i can talk with them about it. not sure how they'll react to this. if they call me a whore, well they're not wrong. if they call me a bitch or sick in the head, i have no choice but to agree. how are they wrong when this shit has been drilled into my head for months.

i'm not okay and they express their worry for me. please don't worry about me, i like to think i'm a lost cause and that i'll never heal even when i tell myself and they tell me that it's not true in the slightest. nobody can help me, i have to do this on my own. it's my problem, not theirs. i know i'm gonna show them this and i have an idea of how they'll react. 

keep in mind this is what i'm feeling _at the moment im writing it._ i could be feeling better by the time i talk to you guys. it'll still be in my mind because i anticipate telling you all what each chapter contains.

i don't believe i really have anything else on my mind today so this is it. i will update whenever i can. stay safe everyone. 


	4. 12.5.19

**12.5.19**

**happy birthday, my love. ❤**

Today is my boyfriend's birthday so I am incredibly excited for that.

The vent now, today isn't going to be much of a vent and more of an awareness chapter. Suicide awareness because my friends suffer from suicidal thoughts and self harm habitually, which worries me to an almost unbearable extent. Suicide is something major in today's society, left and right people are taking their lives and many wonder simply; why would they do this? That question has a plethora of answers depending on who you ask. I attempted once before however I can only speak on my behalf and the reason I desired to do it. I will also cover how suicide in my family has affected me because actions have consequences.

Around the time I first started to experience puberty, I noticed some things. Depression was a major factor in how I began to see the world. Later on suicide attempted to cloud my thoughts and alas, it succeeded in doing so. I wanted an end to my pain and suffering. The emotions I were feeling baffled me because of how I felt about suicide despite the fact that no one I knew has ever died from it. I got my opinion from articles I read and the news. 

I won't sugarcoat this shit for you, suicide is incredibly selfish. Don't go off the rails and curse my name now, let me explain. Suicide is taking a life away. It affects so many people that never even express their concern. I once attempted because it felt as if no one cared about me. I was alone in the pain I was feeling and no one was there to "save me" from my situation. I was wrong, so many people actually cared for me but I didn't realize this until seconds before I did it. My friend texted me out of the blue, telling me she loved me. Keep in mind I was sitting on my bed with a loaded gun pointed at my skull, I was seriously about to pull the trigger. My brain completely blew that night and I couldn't do it. Reading that one "I love you" changed my entire world. I didn't want to hurt my friends just because I didn't want to exist. Instead I decided that if I wouldn't live for myself, I would live for my friends and the people who cared about me. 

As for how suicide can affect others, my grandmother recently committed suicide. January 11th, 2018. 8:53 pm. I will never forget what happened that night for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself that I should've seen the signs but no one could've known what she was going to do. I was sitting in my room when I heard a loud pop, i didn't know it was a gunshot at the time because i hadn't ever heard one before. I ran into the living room and there she was. i knew that she was dead then and there, I watched drool foam at her mouth and her body spasm. All I could manage to do was scream for her to be okay. I believed she had electrocuted herself because there was no evidence of a bullet wound in clear sight.

i woke my grandfather up and called the police. When he saw her he pulled back the pillow in front of her chest and there it was, clear as day. A bullet hole. I was still shaken when the cops came and still I believed it was electrocution. That is until the state bureau of investigation asked me what I knew and if I had the knowledge of the gun that was laying next to her. I had no idea. For months after I blamed myself for her death because I know I was a constant menace in her life. **"Survivor's guilt is when a person has feelings of guilt because they survived a life-threatening situation when others did not. It is a common reaction to traumatic events and a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."**

I blamed myself for something I could not control and furiously hated myself for months. I broke down often in fits of despair because I couldn't save her. Later on i learned and came to accept that it was not my fault. Not everyone comes to this and often meets the same fate as the victim. 

Moral of the story, You are not alone. Not for a second of your life. There is always someone here for you. Hell, you can even talk to me and i'll do what I can to make you feel better. 

**Call 1-800-273-8255 if you have no one to talk to, please.**

That's pretty much all I had on my mind for today, I hope I helped someone just by writing this. Have a good day.


	5. 12.9.19

**12.9.19**

Ah shit, here we go again. 

Its been a while since I’ve updated because I only really update this at school, so,, :’) 

i had a weird dream last night, basically a reflection of my inner disgust I think??? I was part of a discord server and well, this guy named Marc, we talked for a little bit and joked about sending nudes? He said, “ight lets do this” and I replied with something sarcastic and we got closer after that little mishap but I was aroused by all of this??? Idk that’s all I really wanted to mention about my dream. 

Today I feel like talking about sexual attraction and all that, I haven’t mentioned anything directly before so. As far as orientation goes, I consider myself gay. I like dick despite all that’s happened. For romantic I’m biromantic but that’s not our focus for today, we are focused on sexual shit. 

I am generally a very sexual person despite being a virgin. I’m horny all the fucking time and I rarely have any control over when it happens but I do have a good idea of what does it. I don’t like being turned on all the time, people don’t get how infuriating and exhausted it makes me. Imagine wanting to have sex _all the time._ It’s frustrating! Especially since I don’t exactly have anyone I can do that sort of thing with.

I've never had a consensual, healthy physically intimate relationship. I’ve never gotten that close or developed those sort of feelings for anyone around me. There’s my boyfriend and I’m fairly open with him about my desires but he lives all the way in Canada and when he does visit, you already know what’s going down lmao. Gonna fuckin bust my legs open for him like he’s going to Denny’s at goddamn 3 am with a coupon for a Groupon with the boys. 

Im kidding,,, as much as I’d like to have sexual relations with him I’m terrified of intimacy. After all I’ve been through I’m very anxious with that sort of thing and it’d take immense amounts of trust for me to _allow things of that nature to happen._ I trust my boyfriend, I really do, oddly enough more than anybody else. We’re basically best friends and I’m closer to him than all my other friends. I want to do things with him that’s natural for me to desire at my age. 

Just the thought of letting it happen makes my body all shaky, that’s how worried I am. It’d take everything in me to allow someone to touch me like that and actually let them continue. I have to be open to that sort of vulnerability and to me sex is one of the ultimate acts of love. I don’t see it as some way to relieve stress, that’s what masturbation is for!!! :) sex is special to me and I’m not willing to have it with just anyone. 

Its hh,, I guess it’s understandable for me to feel the way I do and I’m extremely determined to face my trauma head on. Facing it would be letting myself have a good experience with it so I can associate the act with said good experience instead of the bad one. It’s not all upsetting, some good can come from it. I just got the bad end of the stick. Wait what the fuck is a bad end on a stick

anyways, that’s all I really have for now! Glad I was able to rant about it here lmao. See you all later and hopefully I’ll update tomorrow or smth like that.


	6. you people are fucking sick

**Don’t ask me details on how I was forced, you are a disgusting individual if you want a TRAUMATIZED CHILD to repeat the details of their sexual trauma. Do you know how vile that is? You are asking a literal minor about how they were raped and/or molested because you want to get off to it.**

**This story is for venting and recording my experiences only, don’t come here trying to jack off to again, A MINOR’S EXPERIENCE. you repulse me to an almost unbearable extent. You chose to read this story knowing what it would contain and you fetishize it? What is wrong with you? If you’re here for that get the hell out because I won’t have my experience used by some sick fuckin pedophile.**

**If you honestly think raping a child is hot, you need some serious help. I don’t need any negativity and sexual shit here because this is not the place for it. So when I reply all sarcastically don’t get offended about it. You literally offend and trigger the fuck out of me asking for shit like that.**

**I thought people were terrible before but god was I proved wrong.**


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